Double Devolution

KFC has just released a new product with much fanfare. Its called the "Double Down". Its gross.



To be totally fair, I haven't eaten one yet, and to be perfectly honest I never will unless high money stakes are involved. Hypocrite? Snob? Elitist? Guilty as charged, but screw you if you think I'm gonna debase my body and soul with that thing. Its not that I abhor fast food, fried food, or fatty food. Far from it. Every element in this mutant is something that I enjoy eating (except perhaps the "Colonel's Sauce", since I don't know what it is). But I can't ever see myself enjoying a "Double Down".

A lot of people are disturbed by this new product for very good reasons. This thing is a monstrosity in both a nutritional and culinary sense. Its obviously unhealthy for you, but you knew that going into a place called "Kentucky Fried Chicken". But what's even worse is that it just looks bad, something closer to what you would feed a zoo animal than a human being. Some have tried to defend it by comparing it to Chicken Cordon Bleu, which is like comparing bait to sushi. The basic elements may be the same, but the process is what's important.

There have been some very entertaining reviews of the "Double Down" by people braver and more clever than me. This one posted by The Onion AV club is my favorite. Most reviewers seem to agree: this thing is awful. Not just because its terrible for you and keeps cardiologists up nights, but because its just truly heinous and unpleasant to eat.

But my even more pretentious objection to this thing is based on what it represents: devolution.

The "Double Down" is a step backward, or at least a misstep, in the evolution of human food. As limited, simple and flawed as bread may be, it serves a great functional purpose: getting food to the mouth with the minimum of mess. The whole sandwich concept, along with its culinary cousins and offshoots, is based on this principle. As crazy as this sounds, the idea to use bread as a holder for filling was actually a major step forward in culinary development. It allowed the consumption of fillings and foods which are difficult to consume with a fork and knife, and it allowed a great deal of portability for the working person or hard gambling Earl. But most of all, it allowed for a much wider range of foods to be dreamed up, prepared, and consumed.

Carbs transport filling. Simple but effective. Pizza, dumplings, burritos, tacos, gyros, hot dogs, hamburgers, sandwiches, hoagies, grinders, canopies, even cheese and crackers- they all build off this basic paradigm. And for those watching their carbs, substitutes like lettuce have emerged. Getting rid of the carb based carrying system while retaining finger food status is a dicey proposition. Sushi may transition into Sashimi just fine, but either way you're using chopsticks.

This devolution is certainly deliberate, possibly even a goal for KFC. The whole point of this is to tap into some untamed part of our very much tamed psyche. You're a man, you want meat and fat and salt, and damned if you're going to let some sissy crap like manners, forks or bread stand between your manly hands and the hot roast flesh you crave. Hang those who would decry excess or encourage nutritional eating. You're a manly free spirit, whose primal act of rebellion against the modern world comes from giving 6 dollars to a multinational corporation.

This thing isn't a sandwich. It's some meat and bad cheese slammed together in a bag. Its a sandwich without its skin, or maybe its fried chicken stripped of its dignity. That's fine if you want to eat it, but the idea that this is a sandwich is just wrong. The Double Down lies at the intersection of sandwich, finger food, and fork and knife fare, but unfortunately for it there doesn't appear to be a place for it in any of these spheres.