Thursday, August 7, 2008

Da Da Da Daaaaaa!!!! Da Da Da Da Daaaaaaa!!!!

FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!! HUZZAH!!!!







Well, not really. Its preseason football, which is basically like watching 1/4 of a real football game, except that no one cares about anything except not getting hurt.

Fun Fact: You can gamble on pre-season football. And since its offered, I can only assume that people actually do it. Think about this for a moment:

Football itself is a wildly unpredictable game, where it takes only seconds for the score to swing one way or the other. Even under ideal conditions, where all the players are known and playing for keeps, its hard enough to predict which side will cover a given point spread. Now take away all the players you know about, replace them with a bunch of guys you never heard of before and never will hear from again, and try and predict which side will win or cover the spread. Sound like fun? Would you care to bet hard earned money on the outcome?

If you answered yes, you're a degenerate gambler and should seek help before you hurt yourself or the ones you love. Or maybe just yourself, cause anyone foolish enough to love you has it coming.

I love football. Love love love it. How much, you ask? Enough to Sopcast a preseason game between two teams I don't give a damn about just so I can see a few series. That's like being so hungry you'll break into a supermarket and eat raw ground beef right off the shelf. Which, of course, will probably bring you a lot of pain in one way or another. In my case, the metaphorical food poisoning comes courtesy of one Tony Kornheiser, the "funny" announcer for ESPNs Monday Night Football. I love TK on PTI, but dammit someone get him out of the football booth. He blabs, drones, mutters, bores, chits, chats and generally irritates me and 99% of other football fans. No, make that 100%.


Despite sucking hard last year, Kornheiser was rehired to share the booth with Mike and Jaws. Why? Probably because he's supposed to appeal to the "average" fan. ESPN, listen to me:


I AM THE AVERAGE FAN, AND I HATE THIS GUY! AND SO DO ALL THE OTHER AVERAGE FANS!!!


TK in the box is part corporate shill, part bad comedian, and all annoying as hell. He makes football worse to watch, a crime so heinous that any right thinking Supreme Court would find that it falls under the category of Treason. Since the Court is too busy upholding civil rights, I am forced to take matters into my own hands, and so I'm issuing a bounty: a shiny Sixpence to the person who removes, permanently, TK from the announcing Booth. And an extra shilling if its done prior to the start of the regular season. Huzzah!

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