Tweaking the Classics

As I mentioned previously, the Olympics are here again. For a few weeks every four years we get an orgy of sport and pseudo sports. Some, like basketball and soccer, are common and familiar. Some, like swimming and track and field, are common sports but not much covered outside of Olympic years. And a lot are uncommon and largely unacknowledged by the masses, at least beyond the level of temporary curiosity. A lot of Olympic "sports" are outdated or just pointless in my opinion, but never fear, I'm hear to jazz things up! Olympic Makeover!

I'm going to examine a handful of (ahem) "sports" for which a person may win a coveted gold medal. Then I'm going to mock them, and suggest how they might be made better. Let's begin.

1) Air Rifle. This is a sport in the Olympics. Think about that. Its a freaking BB gun, and they get medals for it. I guess that Ralphie didn't just want a Red Ryder BB gun to shoot stuff, but because he was an aspiring Olympian. I used to play with pellet guns and airsoft rifles in the backyard, and there's nothing athletic about it. If you want a medal for shooting something, that thing better be able to kill someone at 50 yards.

My suggestion: Blowguns. Works for native tribes all over the world, and unlike a BB gun that stuff will kill you good. Of course, since this is a sport where the poor nations of the world actually have an advantage, don't count on it being added to the program any time soon.

2) Racewalking. This is just plain stupid. For those unfamiliar, racewalking is where they have a race but everyone has to walk or be DQed. Its been in the Olympic program since 1906. This makes no sense to me. The purpose of the Olympics, and athletics in general, has always been to increase physical prowess, and there has always been a military undertone to the whole affair. Soldiers need to be strong and fast in order to make it in war. If you walk while the rest of your platoon is running, then congratulations: you get to go home early! In a box.

Apparently lots of people "love" this "sport", so it gets to stay. Of course, most people who consider walking a strenuous activity are the seniors who go to the mall early in the morning before all the stores open and then have a Cinnabun for breakfast. So maybe walking should have an age limit on it to regain its legitimacy. No one under 55 is allowed to compete. Of course China seems to think that 11 is the new 16, so no doubt the Chinese would sneak in a few 30 year olds whose passports "prove" their real age.

Suggestion: Pogo stick races. If we're gonna have goofy sports, let's at least make it fun.

3) Modern Pentathlon. Speaking of Military origins, this is a event designed to create the perfect soldier. In 1892. There are five mini events in this sport: pistol shooting, fencing, running, show jumping, and swimming. It was created as a test of all the skills a good Cavalry officer needed at the time, though they left out the part where the competitors must grow an awesome mustache (check the photos, old timey soldiers were rocking the facial hair). That's all well and good, but war has changed a lot since then, and I think we need to put the "modern" back in modern pentathlon.

Suggestion: Update the events to be relevant to today's soldier. M16 target practice (substitute AK-47 as appropriate to your nation). Grenade toss. Running, but in full battle gear with pack. Driving a jeep over an obstacle course. And finally, keep the swimming, but you have to keep your weapon dry. I'm debating whether barbed wire should be included in the course.

Here's hoping a few of these modest suggestions catch on. Who knows, maybe at the 2056 game in Khazakstan, we'll all be glued to our televisions as a robotic Bob Costas tells us about a young athlete's heroic struggle against adversity which culminated in a pogo stick Gold. And then we'll go back to bemoaning USA basketball, still searching for its first gold medal since 2000.