PinkBlech!

I'm not hip. I'm anti-hip. Not in that intentional "I'm so not cool that I'm cool for being not cool" way. I'm just white, boring and clueless about anything resembling hipness. I was worried that if Hip and I were to be in the same place at the same time it may just destroy the universe. As of tonight, I know that's not necessarily the case, but the results were unpleasant nonetheless. As an unhip fellow, until recently I had only a peripheral knowledge of the existence of the Frozen Yogurt dispensary Pinkberry. Apparently its quite the rage amongst the beautiful people, who love it so much that some call it "crackberry". Nice.

Tonight I went for a walk around my neighborhood, with the dual goals of getting some fresh air and indulging with an ice cream cone or some frozen yogurt. My original destination, Haagen Daaz, was badly in need of a re-supply. The yogurt was all gone, as were some choice ice cream flavors. Remembering the Ben and Jerry's location in the neighborhood, I exited and headed south. After a few blocks I came upon the local Pinkberry. Feeling adventurous and curious about how the other half live, I entered in search of deliciousness.

The decor of Pinkberry is typically silly, with a whole wall filled with random crap that barely warrants a second look. Not that the setting really mattered, I was here for Frogurt. Scanning the menu I noticed several size and topping options, but no flavors. Closer to the register I saw the three flavors listed on a stand, with pictures and a full run down of the nutritional information. The idea of anyone standing there, holding up the line while they mentally calculate just how much frozen yogurt they can have without wrecking their diet is laughable, but whatever, at least the info is there.

The flavor selection was narrow and poor: Coffee, Green Tea, and "Original", a white flavor which I erroneously assumed was vanilla or something like it. No chocolate to be found anywhere on the menu, and no "swirl" that I could see, though why you would swirl this grab bag of rejects is beyond me. Coffee is an ok yogurt flavor, I guess, but Green Tea? Really? People, if you want antioxidants and all that healthy stuff, you need to actually drink green tea, not shovel down frogurt which is vaguely flavored like it. That's like trying to get the antioxidant power of cranberries by downing a Cosmo. They have a lot of toppings to choose from, including a variety of fruit, chocolate chips, sprinkles, and various other crumbly things. Also Cap'n Crunch for some reason.

I stepped up and ordered, aiming to keep things simple given the poor selection: an "original" with chocolate chips. "Vanilla" yogurt with chocolate chips, a classic combo which seemed like the sure winner in this field. I paid, took my order, and dug in. Ugh.

Instantly it was obvious that "original" is not vanilla. Or Cream. Or Custard. Best I could tell, the flavor was "Pinkberry". Except there's no such thing as a Pinkberry. It was some kind super-tart citrus style flavor. Suffice to say, it did not mix well with my precious chocolate chips, which I quickly rescued from its horrible clutches. Even without the chocolate topping, this stuff was borderline nasty, nothing like what good yogurt, frogurt, sherbet, sorbet, gelato or ice cream should be. Why a supposedly hip, organic, healthy, all-natural place would have a signature flavor that's so blatantly artificial and unlikeable is beyond the understanding of my tragically unhip mind.

Is this really the legendary "crackberry"? This is what led to 58 stores in just 3 years? Three mediocre to bad flavors, only one of which can really be mixed with any of the good toppings on the menu (chocolate chips, cocoa puffs, sprinkles, etc). I noticed they have smoothies and shaved ice as well, and I guess that with enough fruit topping you could make the "Original" or Green tea palatable enough to pass for dessert, but damned if I'm gonna try. Life's too short for that nonsense, and next time I'll skip this disaster and head straight for some Half-Baked or Phish Food.