NFL Picks: Week 11

Another successful week of fake betting for me, as I went 8-5 to push my record to 64-40-5. If I keep this fake success up I'll be swimming in fake money, which I could use to buy fake blow snort it off of fake strippers' fake (or would they be real?) breasts.

"Old and Slow" D -3 "Old and Hick" QB

I never thought a pairing of 6-3 teams playing for first place could seem so dull.

PANTHERS -14 Lions

How bad are the Lions? They are getting 2 tds at home from a team which threw 4 picks and had only 7 completions last week.

Matty Ice and the Burner -6.5 Broncos

The Birds run over the Donks and open the door.

Moo Cows +8 COLTS

A bit of redemption for that early season screwup against the Colts.

FISH -10 Raiders

The Raiders should abandon the whole concept of a traditional offense and go straight to a wildcat snap on every play.

Bucs -4 Vikes

The Vikes were lucky to win last week, as one of those safeties was bogus and the Pack still almost beat them on a field goal. This week against a competent run defense they won't be so lucky.

Chefs +5 Goddamn I hate that Drew Brees got 27 fantasy points for playing like shit last week!!!

Of course, right when everyone is thinking that the Chefs might not suck so bad they'll no doubt crap all over themselves and get blown out by the struggling Saints.

Bears +3.5 PACK

The Neck Beard is back with a scruffy vengence.

Iggles -9 KITTIES

A desperate Iggles team versus a team no longer desperate to avoid going winless.

Ravens +7 BIG BLUE

Haloti Ngata is gonna take the Giants down a notch.

Rams +6.5 49ers

Answer me this: how can an entire NFL coaching staff, including an O-coordinator who once took a team to the Super Bowl, not know what damn yard line the ball is on at the most crucial time of the game? And even if they did know, why the hell would they hand off into 20 guys with a backup running back?

Cards -3 SEACHICKENS

Hasselbeck won't be enough to fix the hawks.

Chargers +5.5 STILLERS

First place, here we come! I'll be there, freezing my ass off and surrounded by 60000 terrible towels. And I have to drive dangerously close to West Fucking Virginia to get there. So you better damn well believe we're gonna win.

JAGS +3 Titans

This is the week. Get your bubbly ready, remaining 72 Dolphins.

SKINS +1 Cowboys

Wait a minute: My Boy Romo returns and suddenly the Cowboys are gonna play defense? Does no one remember that the Skins beat the Boys in Dallas? Like, this season?

Browns +5 BILLS

Couple of really disappointing teams make for another disappointing MNF matchup.